A collection of some of the silliest tales you’ve probably ever read, written by my sister Lisa, in some of her more silly moods
The Tale of the Lonely Broccoli
Jessica sat at the dinner table. It was just like any other night. Her broccoli stared longingly at her from its place in the middle of her plate. She knew what it was thinking. It was the same thing every piece of broccoli thought as it sat on Jessica’s plate: “Eat me! Eat me!” Jessica wished she could help the lonely vegetable with its plight. A life in the refrigerator was unpleasant at best, and deadly at worst. She knew. She knew because all her best friends were vegetables. The dream of every vegetable was to be eaten by a lovely child. The vegetables knew that this was the key to happiness.
Jessica thought back to the night she first learned of this strange desire of vegetables to be eaten. It was also the night she became friends with Tommy, the lovable turnip.
It was a lovely summer night, and Jessica had gone outside for a breath of fresh air. As she lay on the grass next to the family garden, she thought she heard a small sound. She listened more closely, and soon she realized it was a tiny voice, crying for help. She looked around, and soon saw the source of the cry. A small turnip was being rooted out of the ground by an evil, malicious grasshopper. The insect looked up at Jessica for a moment, its beady eyes piercing her to the very soul. Heart thumping, she knew she had to help, but she couldn’t bare the thought of touching such a dirty creature with her bare hands. Before she knew what was happening, however, an army of space aliens arrived and beamed the grasshopper into their spaceship. The turnip was saved! The turnip looked up at Jessica with a thankful heart. She gazed into his eyes just as warmly. In an instant, she knew she had found a friend. “Hi,” the turnip said shyly, “I’m Tommy.” “I’m Jessica,” replied Jessica sweetly.
They spent the next few hours lying on the grass, sharing their deepest thoughts and desires. It was a magical night. Jessica never wanted it to end. “May I make a request of you?” asked Tommy. “Why, of course,” said Jessica. “When I grow up, will you eat me?” asked Tommy. ” Anything you want, my dear, ” replied Jessica.
Tommy grew and grew and grew. Finally the day had arrived that he should be eaten. Jessica ran to her beloved turnip and cried, “I cannot eat you, my love! I cannot bare to be separated from you!” She through her arms around Tommy’s neck and sobbed. “but my dear,” said Tommy, “if you do not eat me, I will be thrown in the dumpster, and then we will be separated anyway.” Jessica thought about it, and she realized Tommy was right. In one gulp, she gobbled him down. he was delicious.
Jessica’s thoughts returned to the task at hand. the lonely broccoli stilled stared at her longingly. But alas, she could not eat it, for broccoli was yucky. With sorrow in her heart, she slid off her chair and walked away from the table, never to return. The End.
The Pickle Story
You are about to read my thoughts on potatoes. If this is not what you were hoping to read, please read this anyway, as you are my captive, and I am forcing you to read this blog. Muahahahaha. I think potatoes are nifty little gadgets, known to most as potatoes, but known, to only the most daring of creatures, as giant brown pickles that just happen not to be pickles anymore. Yes it is true. The story begins long ago in the mysterious jungles of pickle land. Pickle land was home to none other than the notorious pickles of death. They were feared throughout all the land as the most treacherous creatures ever to set foot upon the ground. The peasants of pickle land were known as humble strawberries. They worked all day, everyday, without holidays, just to earn a meager living with which to buy their treasured grains of rice, out of which they would build their houses. Each strawberry began constructing his house the day he was born, and did not finish until the day he died. It was a terrible dishonor to leave an unfinished house at one’s death, and therefore each strawberry worked his life away in order to finish before his time came.
One such strawberry was named Jeffrey. The day he was born, his mother nearly fainted, for instead of a perfectly red and juicy strawberry, he was no strawberry at all. He was a small green pea. He had no red juicyness. he had no green leaves on his head. Soon he was despised by all the strawberries in pickle land. He worked just as hard as any strawberry ever worked, but he never earned enough to buy even one grain of rice. He tried very hard, but he had no green leaves on his head with which to gather toothpicks to sell in town, for this is the job which all the strawberries were expected to do. He tried rolling the toothpicks and pushing them along, but it took him all day to get just one toothpick into town, and no one wanted to buy just one toothpick, when they could get a whole bundle of them from some other strawberry. And so Jeffrey was forgotten.
On the other side of pickle land was a pickle named Suzie. Suzie looked just like all the other pickles, but she despised her very pickleness, for she only wanted friends. For a pickle to have friends was a very grave crime in pickle land; one which was punishable by death. The only thing the pickles were allowed to do was terrorize the strawberries, which most pickles did gladly with no problem at all. But Suzie did not like terrorizing strawberries. All she wanted to do was sit and talk to them, but she did not dare, for she feared the law. One cold, lonely day, Suzie decided to leave pickle land forever. She gathered her belongings into a ziplock sandwich bag and bid a final farewell to pickle land.
As Suzie was leaving pickle land, Jeffrey was having a terrible time working with the other strawberries. He had worked hard for all 83 days of his life, but still he had not acquired a single grain of rice with which to build his house. The other strawberries were gathered in a meeting to decide the fate of the young strawberry who brought shame to their cozy village. They each cast their votes one by one, and it was decided that Jeffrey would become the town mascot. He would dress in a cucumber costume and sit on the roof of the town hall to scare away the abominable pickles (for everyone knows that the only thing that scares a pickle is a cucumber). His fate decided, Jeffrey began his new job. Day after day he sat on the roof, dressed as a cucumber. “Clarence the Cucumber,” they called him. How Jeffrey longed to climb down from the roof, take off his costume, and hear his own name ring sweetly in his ears once more, but his longing was in vain. Every day a guard sat below him, making sure that he would not come down. The guard had charge of all the cucumber matters in the village. Anyone who dared to call the cucumber “Jeffrey” were promptly dismissed from all of life’s privileges. Soon the days turned into weeks, and the week into months. Jeffrey had gotten way behind in his exercise program, and he was quite put out about it. Finally he decided it was time to act. He watched the guard closely for hours on end, waiting for him to look away or fall asleep. Finally he heard snoring from below him, and he knew his time had come. He leaped off the roof with joy, only to remember that the giant trampoline had been moved by the last reader of this story. “Oops,” he said, as he fell three stories onto an old man’s head. “Sorry,” he apologized. “Oh no, it was my mistake,” replied the old man with a smile. “I’m Mr. Squishy,” the old man said, “I’m Lisa’s janitor. I was just dusting off her computer when I tripped and fell into this story. I was just on my way to find a way to get out of here. Perhaps you would care to join me?” he asked. Jeffrey had nothing better to do, so he agreed to accompany Mr. Squishy to find a way out.
Meanwhile, Suzie had just gotten over the giant wall that divided Pickle land from the rest of the world. She began on the dirt road that led away from Pickle land. Soon she came to a fork in the road. A sign stood at each fork, indicating where they would lead her. The sign at the right fork read “To Sandwich Land,” and the other sign read “To Pizza Land.” Suzie paused to consider both alternatives. If she went to Sandwich land, she might end up in a sandwich, and someone might think she looked so yummy that they would eat her up. She decided to go to Pizza land. She had just started on her way to Pizza land, when something fell out of the sky and landed on her head! It was a marshmallow. The poor thing was shivering with fright, and Suzie decided to stop and try to calm him down. “What happened?” asked Suzie. It took a few seconds before the shivering marshmallow was calm enough to say anything. “I was riding in an airplane way up in the sky, when suddenly I was dropped onto a plate and taken up to the co-Pilate. He took one look at me, scrunched up his nose, and threw me out the window!” The marshmallow started shivering uncontrollably again. Suzie felt an overwhelming sense of pity for this poor marshmallow who, through no fault of his own, had been the recipient of such misfortune. “What’s your name?” she asked the marshmallow. “Prince Bob, the third,” he replied, beaming, “my father is the king of Marshmallow land.” “Is marshmallow land a nice place?” asked Suzie. “Oh yes,” replied Prince Bob, “it is the most wonderful place in the world!” “Are there any…pickles there?” she asked, hesitantly. “No,” he replied, “no pickles at all.” “Well then,” said Suzie, “can I come along with you to marshmallow land?” Prince Bob looked at her long and hard. “I’ve heard about pickles,” he said, “my father has told me how they like to terrorize poor strawberries…you don’t seem like that type of pickle, though.” He looked at her harder. “Oh, I’m not!” cried Suzie, “I despise terrorizing things! I promise I’m not at all like those other pickles!” “Alright then,” said Prince Bob slowly, “you can come along with me, but it will take a lot of explaining to convince my father to let you stay.” And so Suzie set off for Marshmallow land with Prince Bob.
Jennifer and the Missing Vowels
Once upon a time, Jennifer sat at Lisa’s computer and frowned. In two hours, her tennis homework would be due, and she was just getting started. She had fifteen 7-page papers to write, plus three dazzling tennis outfits to sew, not to mention the birdhouse plans she had to draw. How would she get it all done. Even worse, how was she going to keep Lisa from finding out she was using her computer. She pushed the thought out of her mind. Lisa couldn’t find out. She just couldn’t. Swallowing her fears, she began to type furiously. Her fingers flew over the keyboard like a hawk seizing its prey. Suddenly disaster struck! Jenny had been typing so furiously, and her mind had been on so many things, she hadn’t noticed what a mess she was making. Papers were swirling around the room, several pictures had fallen off the walls, and Lisa’s favorite pet rock had fallen off the desk and been smashed into a million pieces. Suddenly, Jennifer was forced back into reality when the buttons began popping off the keyboard. At first, Jennifer kept typing. She had so much to accomplish, surely a few letters wouldn’t be missed. But when she found that all the vowels were missing, she realized that her homework was doomed. She simply could not finish her homework without vowels. She looked down at the letters on the floor. They were flopping around like fish out of water, gasping for breath, pleading with Jennifer to put them back into their proper places. But, alas, Jennifer had only begun learning to type three days before, and she had no idea where each letter belonged. Nevertheless, she did her best to put each letter where she thought it ought to be. Trembling, she turned off Lisa’s computer and left the horrible scene of chaos.
Jennifer sat on her bed weeping. She had only 15 minutes before tennis, and her homework was even farther from being completed than when she had started. Lisa would come home any minute and notice the mess in her room, and Jennifer was hungry, but Mommy had vowed not to let her anywhere near the kitchen since she splattered spaghetti sauce all over the dinner guests five nights ago. Jennifer had not had a bite to eat since that day and surely wouldn’t as long as Mommy ran the household. Defeated, she slid onto the floor and crawled aimlessly toward the garbage chute. She opened the lid and gazed inside. Last night’s pizza gazed back at her. Their eyes locked. The pizza looked sad, forgotten. Jennifer understood how the pizza felt because it was the same feeling she was experiencing at that very moment. In a flash, Jennifer formed a plan to make life better for herself and the forgotten pizza. Without a word, she disappeared into the garbage chute. It was at that very moment that Lisa came through the kitchen door and made her way to her bedroom. It had been a long day, and she was ready to relax on her bed. As soon as she walked into the bedroom, she knew all was lost. Her jaw dropped to the floor. The room was in chaos! Papers still swirled in the air. Debris covered the floor. Her desk lay in seven pieces strewn across the floor. All of a sudden, the papers began to swirl faster and faster! The wind howled ferociously in Lisa’s ears. The bed suddenly burst into flames. Bits and pieces of burning wood began to fly out the window, cackling as they passed. Lisa thought she heard one piece of wood cry out, “This is only the beginning! We’ll be back! And next time, there will be no escape!” The wood chip was suddenly sucked out the window and into the night, it’s shrieks still audible until it was well over a mile away. Lisa was so taken aback by the wood chip’s vow of revenge that she did not notice the other catastrophe’s occurring in her room. All seven pieces of her desk had started learning kung foo and were practicing their skills on everything in sight. One particularly large piece of desk spotted Lisa and came charging toward her. Lisa looked up just in time to dodge out of the way. But the desk piece was by no means through with her yet. It swung around, it’s eyes narrowing. It was infuriated! No one escaped the grasp of Waga Desk Chunk! It lowered its horns and prepared to charge once more. Luckily for Lisa, the wind had continued to pick and was now blowing at 200 million miles per hour. With a shriek, the desk chunk was whisked off its wooden feet and it disappeared into the horizon. Horrified, Lisa backed out of her room and slammed the door tight, locking it behind her. Exhausted from terror, she sank to the floor and everything went dark.
Meanwhile, Jennifer had landed on a pile of rotten bananas, and she was covered with banana slime. Yuck! She made her way to the opposite end of the garbage chute. Daddy always kept an extra shower there, just in case. With some difficulty, she found the magic button. She pushed it, and a 50 thousand square foot luxury bathroom appeared before her. In her haste to get to the shower, Jennifer accidentally stepped on one of the bathroom’s 500 thousand square toes. The bathroom shrieked in pain! “Sorry,” said Jennifer, “I didn’t mean to be a bother.” And with that, she made her way to the sparkling shower to wash off her filth.